a reply...

Anonymous said...

Question: If what was described in "The Irony of Love" is to be practised, when then would someone confidently say that, "He/She is the right one for me?" and cease to look elsewhere for love?

IMHO, the definition of Love differs from one party to another and the only way for one to have his/her partner understand its' meaning, is for them to communicate clearly with one another.

Further to that, a blissful relationship is not something void of sacrifices or unhappiness.

IMHO, the most important sacrifice while being in a relationship would be TOTAL Freedom. All talks about freedom in having close relations with the opposite sex, other than one's own beloved partner is bullsh*t. Imagine him/her maintaining a close relationship with someone of a different sex and calls them his/her closest friend(s). It would hurt any living soul. There should be no one closer to you, besides your beloved because you have chosen him/her and he/she has chosen you.

Both parties must also ensure that he/she acts responsibly to the one another. In essence, one may feel that it’s harmless to have friends of the opposite sex as dinner/movie/dance partners (on a one-to-one basis) or have the occasional hand-in-hand stroll down the park with that friend, it may actually be a very hurtful act to his/her partner. So, think about your partner and his/her tolerance to what is acceptable/not-acceptable before acting on the things which you may pass on as a norm. Don’t expect your partner to turn a blind-eye or coolly accept your explanation when you go around having exotic dances/hand-holding scenes/kiss-on-cheeks even when you think they are harmless. (Note: in most Asian cultures, the act of a one-to-one date/movie/dance or holding hands basically denotes a relationship is in bloom. So, please do not be offended by the backwardness if you are reading from a Westernized viewpoint. Like they say, “When in Rome, do what the Romans do”. For example, I also believe that for most Expatriates living/working in the Asian region, they are well aware that one should not have a steamy-dance with the partner of another guy in a club unless they are prepared for a fight).

In any case, I strongly believe that a relationship is something which both parties must partake to maintain and build upon. No single responsibility should fall squarely on one party or the other. If you think you are giving too much, it probably is time to talk about it clearly (don’t beat around the bushes) and let your partner know.

Well, these are all the principles which I live by. Chastise me if you need to, but at least I play by the rules =)

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It is interesting to have a reply to my blog post as clearly defined as the one above.

Answer: If the person whom you realized as not The One, you have to hunt for your own happiness in the form of The One.

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Somehow, I felt that I am obliged to post a form of reply as a friendly gesture reaching out to this reader. I sensed some bitter grudge in the comment and I felt that I should chip in a few cents. I can't say that I am the best person to speak in this stand nor I claim to know much about relationships.

You see...Who am I, a person lacked in experience in the Department of Love and who by far has only been a spectator in most relationships, to comment?

But anyways, I have been through happiness and heartbreaks to make me understand The Irony of Love (and grow up to be the person I am). So, here is a piece of my thought.

It always takes two to tango and each person in a couple has the very rights to make the call on whether to begin/continue or to end his/her relationship.

A person who thought that his/her partner is the right one for him/her does not mean that his/her other half is ready to be the Right One. How do one define the Right One is of course; very subjective. The other person may mean the world to you but you on the other hand; you may not occupy the same position.

It is sad to say but in this world, nothing exactly comes in equal to everyone. To those who have found the partner who shares such equality in love, I congratulate them and most often than not, you will see them end up at the altar.

It takes a lot of trials and errors, patience and persistence, tolerance and acceptance, to nurture what many deemed as Love. Sometimes, one would realize very early in the relationship that the person, whom they love, is the Right one for them or not. However, sometimes, it takes a lot of re-discovery and such for one person to finally come to realize that their other half is not really the one for them.

Love presents itself in so many form and they may appear in various ratio. Example: A person who is not ready for marriage may love Freedom above all things. That person may love his/her partner but somehow, they may love Freedom a little bit more than them. In short, they are just not ready: Having the wrong person when the time is right

A person who enjoys his/her career may love the Job more than anything else in the world and their partner/family may come in only as second: It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little

It applies the same to those who values Time more than any other things. If a Time-lover felt that their life is too short for more mistakes (in relationship in particular), he/she tends to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. If he/she finds that the relationship/person that they came to love is still worth the Time, by all means, the relationship goes on and they will fight till the very end – and will never (e v e r) give up. However, what happens if that is not the case? Love is contributed by many factors and sometimes, Love itself is not a reason enough to stand on its own. If one thinks that the Love has lost its meaning…then it is sad to say that a new chapter of life has to be written: Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love .

As fascinating as human can be, they are also very dynamic. They evolve and adapt and change and this is what one should not overlook. The ratio of Love changes over time as human grows. What was being overlook at one period of time may suddenly catches the attention of oneself and the ratio of Love may change; thereby explains why some couples still divorce years after marriage: It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little.

So to speak, human tends to make mistakes and take things for granted. It is only human to err but most often than not, when they do realize that they have made a mistake, they will only reminiscence the good old time and thereafter regret. They take a short pause from life to mourn for a precious loss but they always move on: Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough...and move on when things are not like before

Amazing, ain’t it?

No Love is perfect just as how no human is. They are awarded the rights to make a choice but unfortunately, they may not always get lucky and pick the right choice. However, they do know when it is the time to make that Choice.

Love is sweet and yet bitter. Love is blissful and yet filled with remorse. It really takes a lot of courage to enter into a relationship and even more so guts to step out from the comfort of being loved. But when the person whom you are with is just not the Right one, concluding it is only the rational action to take: there is someone out there who will love you even more...

The commenter is right in his humble statement which went “No single responsibility should fall squarely on one party or the other. If you think you are giving too much, it probably is time to talk about it clearly (don’t beat around the bushes) and let your partner know.”

I whole-heartedly agree to that and I am wondering did his/her other half took that step (assuming that he/she is in ‘The-Irony-of-Love-type-of-situation’) of clarifying the situation? It is worth the questioning. If his/her other half did, then probably, the person has re-evaluate the situation and felt that the Love that they share is not something which he/she could afford any more.

Moreover, if the other half of yours has made it a point to share out his/her feelings to other people whom he/she known as friends, most probably there is some miscommunication in the current relationship. A miscommunication so terrible that he/she is experiencing such discomfort to actually discloses his/her inner true feelings to the one person whom they love. Mental inequality or pure distrust? That is also another golden question to ponder on.

Anyhow, should a decision of break-up/make-up was made, do honour it because should there be an absence of roots, there will be no growth of a tree of cascading consequences.

I always thought, a relationship is made whole by the sharing of sweetness, bitterness as well as ups and downs. Yet at the same time, the two souls who share all these, should also fit each other like two pieces of jigsaw puzzle. They just fit...